In Memory of Nick Bubash

Nick Bubash by John Wyatt “Under My Skin” 2003

I still remember the first time I saw his arm tattoos. Layers of patterns and shapes. Back then I only knew Nick as Bella’s dad. I was in 7th grade at a public art school in Pittsburgh, PA. I knew that he was a tattoo artist. And I knew that his tattoos were unlike any others I had ever seen. 

A few years later - I was watching a short documentary about Thom DeVita. I had already been captivated by DeVita’s work. As a young person just entering the world of tattooing - DeVita’s work shook me to my core and expanded my ideas of what was possible for an artist. And then, a few minutes into the video, I heard a voice I wouldn’t miss anywhere. I learned that Nick Bubash - a person I’ve known since I was 13 had apprenticed under my tattoo hero. 

Nick came up under DeVita at a time when tattooing was still illegal in New York. He was a young artist - and the way he found DeVita was nothing short of magic. He writes about the signs that lead him two DeVita’s door: a flock of birds, a truck with an arrow, bit of gossip picked up on from neighbors. He eventually found Thom and from there blossomed a friendship that would last over 30 years.

Around the time that I recognized Nick in the documentary, DeVita was having an art show at Great Lakes Tattoo in Chicago. Seeing the paintings in person was an entirely different experience. The brushstrokes, the texture of the rubbings, the sheer volume of work that Thom (in his 80s at the time) had made for this show - all blew me away. And of course Nick was there. It was there I got to meet DeVita. 

The next time I was visiting family in Pittsburgh - I went and got tattooed by Nick at his shop in McKees Rocks. I drove out by myself through the Liberty Tunnels with a plate of baklavah my mom had sent me with. When I got there Nick was having a consult with a kid not much younger than I was - he was turning 18 and about to get his first tattoo. Nick had this incredible back story and fine arts practice but at the end of the day he was also just the neighborhood tattoo guy. 

The shop Route 60 Tattoo was right off the highway and seemed more like an art studio than a tattoo shop. I was surprised I could see the walls after seeing photos of DeVita’s shop. But Nick was different - he was more of a sculptor, a fine artist - who found tattooing. He kept his art practice and his tattoo practice very separate- but he embodied both roles fully. He was an artist as well as a tattooer.

I didn’t know what I was going to get, going into the shop. But we ended up just talking about my family’s background and finding an image that way. I got a hand sized Syrian tribal design on my shoulder.  Its one of my favorite tattoos to this day.

Sitting down in Nicks chair felt like something I had been waiting for since I first saw his tattoos. He was super old school, sometimes wiping his mouth with the same paper towel he was wiping my tattoo with! 

I wanted to talk to him about DeVita and Hardy and Paul Rogers and Tux Farrar - people who shaped the corner of tattooing I had found myself immersed in. But Nick was my childhood friend’s dad first and foremost - we talked about his daughter, my friend group from Pittsburgh and my family. We ended up talking just as much about high school dyke drama as we did tattooing. But that was what made being around Nick so special - when you were around him you were family. 

I would run into Nick a few more times over the years. He had a studio sale in Pittsburgh and I asked my dad to go for me. They just chatted for hours - one of my family’s rare glimpses into the tattoo world. I bought his paintings. I talked to him after DeVita died. I would see Nick at Old Soul Tattoo and then eventually in Chicago when he moved there briefly. I would just run into Nick on the street by my shop near Tony Fitzpatrick’s gallery. He would always day “Hi darlin!” and bring me in for a hug. He was my tattoo family in every city I lived in. 

My dear friend Ivan called me the other day to tell me that Nick passed away. It was totally out of the blue. He had a fast moving cancer that spread in just a few weeks. After we got off the phone - both me and Ivan went back to work and finished out tattoos. The very thing that connected us to Nick. 

Later that night I went to my books. Eye Tattooed America, DeVita and Under My Skin. Looking at photos of my friend Nick and reading his words. He was known for being an artist and a tattooer but the man also knew how to tell a good story. In an essay he wrote in “Under My Skin” he writes “I didn’t realize the chain is broken - but the links aren’t” He was talking about using traditional tattoo imagery to tell different stories. Using the links to build a new chain. Something that I strive to do in my work every day. 

I’m so grateful I got to know Nick Bubash. In Pittsburgh, Chicago and eventually in New York. He was one of a kind. We’ll all miss him dearly but in some ways it feels good to know he’s once again reunited with his old friend DeVita.

Tattoos Made My Body Feel Like My Own — A Trans Tattoo Experience

*** originally published on AutoStraddle ***

photo by TJ Walker

Steam fills the room as I take off my shirt after a long day. The white fabric moves over brown skin covered in skulls, flames, and flowers. Years ago, I would close my eyes whenever I took a shower. But now when I catch a glimpse of myself — I do not look away. My shoulders ease and I hold my head high, I’m covered in tattoos from my neck to my toes. Growing up as a trans person — my body never felt like it belonged to me. But now, through the process of getting tattooed, my body finally feels like it’s my own.

I didn’t have words to explain that I was neither a boy or a girl when I was growing up. In puberty, my body changed in ways I never asked for. I didn’t have any representation of what it meant to be transgender or what it meant to be non-binary, but I saw people with tattoos. Their deviation from the “status-quo” was so inspiring. People get tattooed for all kinds of reasons, I saw tattoos as a rejection of cisgender beauty standards and expectations and in tattoos, I found my freedom.

Many people have written about the connection between tattoos and the queer community. I’m not only an extremely tattooed trans person, I’m also a tattooer. Many of my clients have expressed to me that tattoos have been greatly affirming to them as well. In terms of gender affirmation, tattooing can be just as life-changing as hormone therapy, electrolysis, or surgery. And compared to the thousands of dollars that a trans-affirming surgery can cost, tattoos are relatively inexpensive and accessible. Tattoos were one of the first tangible ways I ever felt at home in my body. And so many of my clients — both trans and cisgender — have reported feeling the same.

Tattoos are a form of visible expression that can be separate from binary expectations of gender. Because of this separation, they have helped to enhance my understanding of my own gender before I even had words for what I was feeling. Getting tattoos has given me the confidence to pursue other avenues of gender affirmation, such as changing my pronouns and starting Hormone Replacement Therapy. I’ve been able to explore gender presentation in my clothing choices, hairstyles, and makeup with this confidence. Knowing what it felt like, to feel at home in my body, gave me the permission to choose that again and again.

Ed Hardy says “A tattoo is an affirmation: that this body is yours to have and to enjoy while you’re here. Nobody else can control what you do with it.” To have that agency as a trans person can be life-changing. —

Certain tattoos have been pivotal markers in changing the way I feel about my own body. I have an Arabic-style dragon with red flames that stretches from my shoulders down my spine. When I see myself from behind I’m no longer fixated on the shape or strength of my body. The euphoria of seeing such a powerful image on my own skin has given way to such an incredible revelation. I’m more aware of the power that I’ve always had. It has boosted my confidence and truly changed the way I see myself.

I don’t know if I would have had the courage to cut my hair short or start hormones if I hadn’t experienced the euphoria of getting tattooed. I’ve experienced so much joy watching some of my clients step more into their true selves through the process of getting tattooed. One client of mine told me that she used to shave her arms daily to cope with gender dysphoria, but after we covered her arms in flowers she no longer felt that desire. I can only try to explain the feeling of looking at a part of your body that used to bring up feelings of shame and discomfort,  and now loving what you see.

When I first started getting tattooed, I avoided my chest area. I knew that eventually, I wanted to get top surgery and I didn’t want tattoos to interfere with that process. But as I started to fill up in other parts of my body, the part that I was avoiding started to stand out to me even more. Ultimately, I realized I could still get that part of me tattooed while I waited for surgery. I’m still waiting, saving up and doing research on surgeons, but having my chest tattooed while I wait has helped ease my dysphoria in such profound ways.

It wasn’t until I started talking to more trans people with tattoos that I started to realize this experience is a shared one. The more I listen to my clients express their gratitude, for helping them to finally love a part of their body,  the more grateful I am to be in this industry. As someone who has both given and received so many tattoos, I’ve witnessed firsthand how transformative tattooing has the potential to be.

It should be noted that not all tattoo shops are safe places for trans people  — especially for trans people of color. While there are more queer tattooers than ever before – there are still many shops where queer people are not represented or respected. The most affirming experiences I’ve found, have happened when I’ve been able to receive a tattoo from someone who shares (or at least understands) my identity and background. Not every tattoo experience will be profoundly transformative. But more and more artists are seeking out trauma-informed approaches to tattooing, and more clients are seeking out artists who will make them feel safe.

Tattoos have brought so much joy to my life. I’ve met the most incredible people, worked to build a loving community, and found more confidence in my own skin. And, tattoos may not be a part of every trans person’s story but they absolutely have been a huge part of mine. Existing as a trans person is joy at its fullest. So many trans narratives focus on the dysphoria we experience, the coming out story or the violence that our community faces. But existing in the trans community has taught me that being seen is possible — love is abundant and our joy is worth fighting for.

New Symbolism

What is a body but a vessel?

To be decorated

Adorned

To store sacred things

To be tattooed - that is - to take the inexpressible, make it visual and mark a body for life. These marks change as the body changes: fading, spreading, becoming buried under layers, falling out of style. We age together.

I felt the need to be covered before I even had language for it. I remember talking to an ex-love while I stared at my naked body in the mirror at an old apartment.

"I feel so disconnected- like I see my body and I know its mine. But its never felt like it belonged to me."

Something about a pain ritual - walking into a tattoo shop with loud music and designs on the walls from floor to ceiling, the smell of green soap and dettol, laying down on a massage table and walking out wrapped in plastic wrap - made my body feel more like mine. Piece by piece. 

Tattoo on Bea, 2019

When I’m getting tattooed I feel so connected to my body. The dysphoria I’ve experienced almost every day since puberty fades away. I recognize myself in the mirror by my tattoos. I look up to generations of butch dykes that found embodiment in the same way.

I would talk about dysphoria often to an ex-love who could relate. But they said it wasn't as much of a gender thing for them- this feeling disconnected. For them it was having a soul be trapped inside this mortal body. Tattooing helped with this kind of discomfort too.

“Tattoo is one way of reassuring, or reinforcing, the ego under pressure. It provides an expanded, alternative, volitional identity: one can come to terms with the psychic constraints of the slot(s) one occupies in society.” 

-Cliff Raven

It is consensual commitment- knowing your limits - how much pain you can endure - feeling grounded - knowing your autonomous power. These are a few of the lessons that tattooing has given me.

I'm obsessed with the stories told in tattoo shops - I want to record these stories and conversations. There's so much to learn about life from tattooing.

I'm not sure what I'll do with this blog! But I'm excited to find out. Thank you for being here.

-Sema

Bodies! What a powerful medium.

To empower. What a worthwhile task.

New Symbolism

March 2019

With quotes from Audre Lorde and Solomon

“TO WHOM DO I OWE THE SYMBOLS OF MY SURVIVAL”

Do you believe in the transformative power of an image emblazoned permanently into the flesh? Passed from one to another? A moment transferred? A moment distilled?

Do you believe in symbolism as protection? If it is possible to protect you; Can my own vulnerability function as that shield?

Im sorry for the times I wasn't able to be what you needed me to be. Lord knows I tried. But you know I could have tried harder.

Forgive me for not saying enough. I had the words but they got lost in the delivery. I wrote you a prayer but I left out the most important part.

This symbol will protect you from your darkest thoughts. The spiral that is sometimes so hard to escape. The demons within. The endless wheel that spins doubt, fear and the bleeding wound of loss.

Do you take time every day to thank your outside shell? The fearsome cloak that fools people into thinking you're stronger than you are?

This image will decorate that outer wall, and pierce your defenses just enough to show anyone who dares to look that at one point you experienced what the rest of us know as pain.

I wonder if you ever question yourself the way I do. Once you said that I was a test to see if you could love yourself enough to accept the love I had to give.

My love is transformative. The thorn I placed in your side that left its mark. Transformation is my gospel truth - the only constant there is to cling to. And these changes will cling to you.

Who do we think we are to mark creation? To alter our own course? To speed up our learning? To declare ourselves healed? To decide we are finished?

Not everything is about heartbreak. Some of these symbols could be interpreted to be about heartbreak. But most of them try to speak to the feeling that floods in when the pain stops. Reminders that it doesn't have to be this way.

This marking will remind you that you have the capacity to endure. That if you can last these few hours the reward is yours. The prize lasts as long as you do.

How many layers make up a self? How eager are you to cover the marks that Ive made? Before we met I was bare. How eager are you to cover another?

This symbol will remind you of the youth we shared. Racing to cover ourselves once we realized we were naked. Do you ever wish you didn't know?

We often bleed but never heal the same way.

True healing takes patience and its a lesson I’m still learning.

The lines that make up this symbol are deep and dark and will only grow with age. You couldn’t wash it away if you tried. My love for you learned from these lines.

I tell you there is a path forward.

It is beautiful beyond belief but I've never seen it. If I could predict the future I would mark it on you forever.

"What has been, will be again, what has been done, will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."