Lately I’ve been thinking about transness as a sort of timelessness.
Or at least, the closest I’ve come to it. Trans time really shifts the narrative of a linear timeline - at least in the way that we see it played out in the lives of cisgendered folks. Trans time is an expression that is often used in the communities I’ve been a part of. Trans time is when you go through multiple puberties - sometimes as late as your 60s. Going on and off of hormones, picking up where you left off. Trans time is when we reparent ourselves, nurturing the child in us and creating the childhood we wish we could have had. Trans time is sometimes loosing years - even decades - to dysphoria. Living lives that are unintentional. And as Audre Lorde says “the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies.”
As trans people we have taken the reigns, shaped ourselves and stepped into the power that has always been ours. We as trans people have existed since the beginning of time. Cultures have feared us, revered us, acknowledged us and tried to hide us. But we have always shaped culture. We have always created community. We have always held our own and we will continue to do so with grace, dignity and power - despite whatever authority tries to strip us of all of the above. Our power is undeniable. Why else would they feel so threatened?
I’ve been thinking about the old tattoo adage “As ancient as time, as modern as tomorrow” often used by traditional tattooers who acknowledge the ancient history of tattooing. And in this time, when its terrifying for me - as a trans person to look at the news, I see how this very same truth applies to my own gender. Which runs deep as time itself. Every queer ancestor who has existed and loved in spite of impossible circumstances has brought us this far. We know that the powers that be are fighting a battle they can’t win.
My heart is broken for every trans sister who has been lost to trans-misogyny, every child that will grow up with oppressive laws that strip them of their basic human rights, every trans person who has to feel the fear that I know we all feel. Its really hard to wake up and just exist these days without feeling the weight of this reality. I saw a tweet that went something like “If you’re trans your existence is a gift. You need to just keep existing, everything else is bonus.” And I think about Miss Major, Tala Brandeis, Pat Califia, Akwake Emezi and the multitudes of queer and trans friends and family who have made me who I am today.
All we need to do is exist. Make it from this moment into the next.
Angela Davis has spoken on the importance of our transness - showing the possibilities of resistance:
“And I don't think we would be where we are today—encouraging ever larger numbers of people to think within an abolitionist frame—had not the trans community taught us that it is possible to effectively challenge that which is considered the very foundation of our sense of normalcy. So if it is possible to challenge the gender binary, then we can certainly, effectively, resist prisons, and jails, and police.”
Some days I don’t know how we’re going to make it. But I know that I can look to my elders and ancestors for wisdom. Our trans ancestors threw bricks, resisted oppression, lived entire lives but always looked after their own. And I know that if we continue in their footsteps - liberation is sure to come.